A Jewish wedding without God?
As a Jewish life cycle consultant who guides couples and families toward creating meaningful ceremonies, I am presented with all sorts of creative, sometimes puzzling requests from couples planning their weddings.
One client had a particularly interesting request -- a Jewish wedding ceremony that left God out of it.
Both members of the couple are scientists who hail from a long line of academics. They didn’t want their ceremony to include words and concepts they didn’t believe in.
They asked me to refer them to a rabbi to officiate. After hearing their story, I asked why they wanted a rabbi rather than a judge. They replied, “We want the wedding to feel Jewish…I grew up very proud of being Jewish but not so connected to the religious parts of it…A judge would be too sterile. A rabbi would create a sense of warmth, someone with a beard, who can play guitar.”
Their request made me wonder: While adapting a Jewish life cycle event to reflect a couples’ lived values makes the event meaningful for them, does altering it by leaving God out undermine what makes it Jewish in the first place?
One of the places in the Jewish wedding ceremony where God is mentioned repeatedly is in the sheva brachot (the seven blessings). Among other things these blessings include statements that recognize we are not masters of our own fate, but “hakol bara lichvodo,” everything was created for God’s glory. For some couples this blessing can be a recognition that we are not totally responsible for finding our soul mates. Some of the other blessings places the couple in a continuum that starts with the garden of Eden and points toward a future redemption, reminding us that every new couple both creates a new world and is a part of bringing about a better world.
Even the parts of the ceremony in which God’s name is not mentioned explicitly situate a couple within in the broader narrative of the Jewish people with its inherited customs and traditions while still recognizing the uniqueness of each particular couple. In the phrase that effectuates a Jewish marriage, “Behold, you are made special to me according to the laws of Moses and Israel” the first part of the sentence affirms this unique relationship while the second situates the couple in a broader context.
If we tailor-make our own ceremonies (e.g. God out / rabbi in) do we limit the profound messages that a Jewish ceremony is constructed to convey? Is a Jewish feeling enough to make a wedding Jewish? Or should we guide couples toward a deeper understanding of the liturgy, introduce them to multiple understanding of the notion of God, and challenge couples, even during this highly personal time to see themselves and their lives within a broader context?
(Dasee Berkowitz is a Jewish life cycle consultant in New York, and can be reached at www.JLife Consulting.com.)
Share
3 Comments
wedding
Comments RSS Feed Reader Comments
I’m posting this on behalf of Rabbi Robert Barr, because there seem to be difficulties logging into the JTA site today.
To suggest that Jewish identity begins and ends with a belief in the God described by our ancestors in the prayers they created is to ignore the richness of the Jewish experience and the vastness of Jewish thought. Requiring a couple at their wedding ceremony to have ancient liturgy that reflects a worldview and theology the couple no longer holds, neither affirms Jewish identity nor celebrates the couple themselves. Jewish identity is not tied to a belief in God – and certainly not to the God defined in traditional prayer liturgy.
Jewish identity is an affirmation of belonging to an historic people with diverse and at times competing theological perspectives. As a rabbi who has officiated at wedding for over 30 years, it is my responsibility to create a ceremony that affirms the couple’s beliefs and celebrates their identity. Drawing from the wealth of Jewish literature and rituals, one can create a Jewish ceremony that does not presume a belief in God.
Restricting Jewish identity to the beliefs held by our ancestors is to freeze Judaism in a world that no longer exists. The strength and spirit of Judaism has been to evolve, grow, and yes even reject ideas once thought central to Jewish identity. The wisdom of the past is the recognition that Judaism must speak to the age in which we live. At http://www.OurJewishCommunity.org (our online synagogue with a contemporary Jewish voice) and Congregation Beth Adam in Cincinnati, we recognize and affirm that today’s Jewish identity must incorporate the best of modern thought and scientific insights. Each generation has the right and responsibility to affirm its beliefs – anything less is to abdicate our role in the ongoing evolution of the Jewish people.
To learn more about my thoughts regarding Jewish identity and belief, listen to my most recent podcast at http://bit.ly/barrsbanter entitled God and Weddings.
Leave a Comment
To leave a comment, you must first be logged in to JTA. If you are not registered, please click here.
Already a JTA member?
Need to know? Get JTA's free e-newsletters!
Nina Krauthamer
09/27/10 04:19 PM
I am a member of the City Congregation, a secular and humanistic congregation (http://www.citycongregation.org). This is what our Rabbi\i, Peter Schweitzer, has to offer:
“Weddings / Commitment Ceremonies
We often hear from couples who want to preserve ties to Jewish tradition yet are also looking for a secular or cultural way to celebrate their wedding or commitment ceremony. We believe they have come to the right place. Using non-theistic language, couples can choose to preserve links to our culture--by standing under a chuppah, sharing wine, stepping on a glass at the end of the ceremony. They can also personalize the ceremony with their own choices for readings and poetry as well as by writing their own individual vows. Rabbi Schweitzer has also developed a uniquely beautiful and meaningful candelighting ceremony.
Consistent with our philosophy of openness and inclusivity, we affirm and honor the love between all couples. We respect personal choices to form bonds with partners both within the Jewish family and also from different backgrounds. Our ceremonies honor the dignity of both partners and give recognition to our many cultures.
We welcome same-sex couples and our rabbi is pleased to officiate at their commitment ceremonies or partnerships.”